Have you ever cried in the arms of a stranger? I haven't. Yesterday, I sobbed in the arms of a stranger. The cathartic release of crying in foreign arms is astonishingly therapeutic. Your guard is down because the person holding you cannot pass judgement on your character because you're a mystery to them. You feel safe dissolving into tears and receiving their compassion without hesitation. I pulled back and saw this wonderful woman crying tears with me, sharing my anguish. After placing part of my burden with this earth angel, I felt like I could go back up to my little girls room and be brave for her, even though she cant see me. Even though the feelings of bravery do not last long, I thank God for sending this angel in the form of a mom to me even if it was only for a few fleeting minutes.
Ive been wrestling with the idea of whether or not I should document my time in the hospital with pictures. Why in Gods name would I want to take pictures of the most terrifying time of my life? I want to take pictures. I want to believe that I will show these to my Grace when she is older after getting her heart broken from her first love. As she dramatically claims that this is the worst time of her life, in my mind I will chuckle and relish in the opportunity to finally share these pictures with her to bring her back to center. These moments of hopefulness are always quickly extinguished when the doctors come in with more bad news. It seems to come in torrential waves now. I tell myself that its best to not think of the future and to stay present for fear that the future with my girl will be snatched from my hands.
Next door to us, I heard the nurses jovial voices talking to a child that may have been sedated for days (or weeks maybe) like Grace. Their voices pierced my heart in a way that made me curl into a ball of nothing. Any time a nurse enters our room, she is quiet and stoic to resemble the critical state that my girl is in. Will Grace ever hear those joyful and upbeat shouts from these life giving angels? How much battering and bad news can the heart take? We are on the journey now to find that answer.
Grace, my sweet child. I haven't seen your dark expressive eyes for 5 days. I haven't seen your smile in 5 days or heard your laugh. Mama will be counting the seconds until I get to hold you in my arms again. To kiss you on the forehead without an EKG pad getting in the way or smelling hospital tape all over you. I see the dried blood stains on the tips of your tiny fingers and toes where they pricked you for blood samples and I feel my heart being ripped out of my chest. I'll keep reapplying the lip balm to your bottom lip because your top lip is taped down to keep the breathing tube in place. I hope you can feel mamas love and maybe you can hear my voice whispering in your ear that I love you and that I wish we could trade places 100 times over. I would give my life in a second if it meant you would be happy and healthy again.
Mamas heart aches in a way only you can repair, but i'll stay strong for you as best I can. And when the burden becomes too hard to bear.. the Lord, your grandparents and aunties + uncles from all over the world will pick me up and carry me through until I can stand and fight again.
Jane & Pete,
Please know that everyone at Settindown is praying for you both and Grace especially. You are incredibly brave and strong to be able to write so beautifully about such a horrific experience. Sending you all of our love and strength.
Jessica Jolley
Dear Jane and Pete,
I’ve come to “know” your family from Jane’s Instagram. Started following her because she is my favorite LPGA player and have been amazed to find out that the only thing more impressive than her game is her integrity. I am praying so fervently for your little one’s swift recovery.
1 The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
2 He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters.
3 He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD forever. (Psalm…
Dear Jane and Pete ... you do not know me but my heart is holding the both of you and little Grace in deep compassion and spiritual Love. If this feels comfortable to you, open a dialogue with Grace's brain that is so injured ... it is a living entity along with the organisms that have invaded it. It is a part of who your daughter is ... and Love on whatever level, Known and Unknown, brings new life into our Being.
Almost 15 years ago now, I lived in the hospital with my child for months, through several setbacks and close calls. The shock, exhaustion, frazzled mind, and most of all the fear felt impossible to live through, but we made it out on the other side and I pray that you do, too. I took pics and blogged - almost 15 years ago - just like you. It helps. It's normal. For me, they also helped to look at later to process the trauma (PTSD) once it was behind us. Holding Grace and the both of you in loving thoughts. 💕 C